Nature knuckles under

Iceberg 'sings under pressure'

Iceberg arrests made by the FBI last week have started to yield larger results, officials close to the investigation say. One floe in particular is said to be cooperating with authorities. "With the information this suspect has provided it's clear that the North Atlantic is close to being absolutely safe for shipping, fishing, and democracy" a senior White House official reports, "we also think we may be able to clear the Bering Sea of any threat." Along with intelligence said to be gleaned from the U.S. Weather Service, government agents are optimistic they can follow the trail of terrorist ice all the way back to the glacier masterminds believed to be calving these attacks on international commerce.

When asked what techniques were used to make the arrested iceberg talk, one agent said "well, we put him in the hot seat and made things pretty warm. I can't comment whether any specific methods such as chipping, cracking, or the 'ice pick' were actually used, but it sure didn't take him very long to lose his cool." Vice President Cheney, while refusing to comment directly on the case in interviews yesterday, nonetheless asserted that the progress "precisely refutes those naysayers and critics who would have us abandon time-tested and proven interrogation procedures. If we obeyed the strict letter of the Geneva Conventions, not to mention the Kyoto Protocols, we could not have achieved these results. Americans will see that this reaffirms the rightness of our stance on terrorism and the environment."

The Vice President went on to say that if the government's policies were allowed to continue, we "might see an end to ice in our lifetime."



~A