Fulfilling my resolutions

I'm not one to worry about manufacturing and then fulfilling a formal list of new year's resolutions. There are always things I'm hoping to accomplish in a year; I don't think it makes any difference when I make myself aware of those hopes. Yet I know too that if, even by happenstance, I do accomplish something that was a resolution, it sorta feels good. And why shouldn't it. This is regardless of whether the accomplishment was actually related to the resolution or not. Often I think there is no connection. Last year, in October, I finally quit smoking. Or rather I began the 'quitting smoking' process. (I am in the fourth month of the quitting process now, I truly believe that a pack a day smoker requires at least two months before he is no longer a smoker). While quitting smoking was something I had hoped to get done last year, I think the fact that I did not begin to do so until October is evidence that I began the process because of more proximate, contingent reasons, than any ultimate causes such as a resolution to quit.

This is all an introduction to telling you about things I am doing in the New Year which are rather new for me, yet I can't say they are resolutions, would it make me look better if I said they were?

At any rate, these are some of my activities in January:

1)I mopped the floor of two thirds of my apartment today (The other third is mostly covered by a rug, my bed, shelving and cabinetry, so I'm not worrying about it at the moment.) Yesterday, finally, I bought myself a bucket. And a new mop and cleanser, but it was the bucket that was really holding me back. Unfortunately (and this is not really a surprise, more of a disappointment) my floor is in such poor condition that it is hard to tell it is any cleaner. I think, if I look closely, that it is cleaner, but it does not look clean. I certainly poured lots of dirty water out of the bucket.

One reason this commonplace activity is new to me is that although I know cleaning is a 'good' thing and something that one 'should' do, it gives me no pleasure or real satisfaction to have done it. At some point, it is merely intolerable not to do it. Most people I know actually seem to like cleaning, in that, once it is done, they feel good for having done it. This is never true for me. I am consterned to have to do it, consterned doing it, and consterned knowing I will have to do it again (I am trying to revivify the word 'constern' for general usage). Basically this is the same way I feel spending money on food. I like eating but I am continually frustrated by the fact that how much I eat today will have little to no impact on how much I will want to eat tomorrow. My stomach is the ultimate money pit and it offends me.

2)I went to the laundry and washed both sets of covers to my couch cushions, then I hung them dry in the bathroom. This isn't of any real moment, but I should have done it eight months ago.

3)I finally got my bathroom tile re-grouted. I am proud of finally cajoling my building's handyman into this as it should have been done years ago. It makes my whole bath look brand new practically. And now the grout is worth trying to keep clean. This was not the case before. But it raises yet another instance of my already stated ambivalence of cleaning.

4)I made chicken stock. Next weekend perhaps I might actually make soup. This is connected in some way to quitting smoking. About the same time as I was giving up cigarettes, I was trying to eat at home more often so as to save less money, I was staying away from bars to save money and diminish the smoking urge, and I was getting bored witht he food I was eating at home. This last consisted of ramen, peanut butter sandwiches, and hot dogs. I realized that while I enjoye those foods, it was certainly within my knowledge and capability to make more. So I started making rice and bean. Then I started buying canned soup. Then I started dating a person who talked alot about cooking and that made me ashamed that my apartment was pretty devoid of food. It's kind of rare that I actually have any real food in my fridge and this condition has made me the occasional laughingstock among my friends.

At any rate, my subtenant of last year had left some meat in the freezer. Sure it was somewhat freezer burnt, but not seriously. I had taken the ground chicken (which never has any flavor in the first place) and cooked it in a bunch of black beans which gave the meat plenty of rehydration. That kind of worked. I always thought of myself as somewhat of an intuitiuve cook.

But there was also about 5 pounds of chicken parts in the freezer. That's an awful lot of chicken, especially frozen. I started thinking that maybe the only thing I could do with it would be to turn it into stock. For that I knew I would need a stock pot. Luckily, my newly married friends had a spare pot, a very good quality one actually. The second thing I would need was a cookbook so I requested The Joy of Cooking for Christmas. Unusually, I actually got it. I went out and bought a lot of cookware that I haven't owned since I was married. (My exwife got most of the stuff, she being the real cook. And while I was able to keep most of the stuff that meant more to me, like the dvd player and the couch, I still really miss the All-Clad pans and things). I bought a colander, a bread knife, measuring spoons, tongs, a baking dish (Pyrex), a ladle, cheesecloth, some other things I don't recall. Then I stopped at the grocery and bought fresh vegetables and greens for the first time since my divorce. That felt odd. Then, the next day, I stood over a stove for four hours simmering five pounds of chicken down into the most lovely golden liquid. This is the most cooking I have done personally in ages. During my marriage I mainly washed dishes, something I was happy to do since the cooking was of high quality, though it might have been nice to come out of my marriage with a few more practicable skills and experience.

That was two weeks ago. Now I'm beginning to get impatient for something I can eat.

5)I went to the dentist. I haven't had dental insurance for about 8 months. It's been about 16 months since my last cleaning. I knew it wouldn't be pretty. One reason is that I have never flossed; another reason is that I was a heavy smoker; a third reason is that my gums have bled heavily while brushing my teeth the last month and I figured that couldn't be good. I figured that even using a Soniccare toothbrush for the last year wouldn't have helped.

And I was right. My (new) dentist was very vocally dismayed about the extent of gum disease present. The cleaning itself was quite painful though it went by fast (for me, apparently the dentist thought it was quite a long cleaning). So in the next months, here is the plan: I have two appointments for 'quadrant deep scaling'. This is essentially an ultra cleaning that is so slow an painful that they administer a local anaesthetic and do only one half of the mouth per appointment. Yay, er. A month after those, I have an evaluation done. The deep scaling should have caused my gums to start healing and the pocketing to lessen. If this is not the case, or if the healing is not significant enough, then I will have to plan on some periodontal surgery. Whoo boy. Before I even get the deep scaling done though I will have my wisdom teeth removed. At least there I can get put to sleep. I kind of knew that was in my future. I would have had it done at Yale but the Yale dental plan was so shitty (their medical plan wasn't so hot either) that I would have had to pay $800 or more for anaesthesia. At NYU I apparently won't have to pay anything.

Because of these developments, the last two days I have begun flossing. Yesterday I bought floss for the first time in my life. Like mopping the floor, this in no way feels good even though it is for my own good.

Tomorrow, I check in with a doctor and have my annual chat. God only knows what he'll have to say.

To sum up, these are all things that needed doing and that I am glad to have done. Well, I am glad to be able to say I have done them. They feel, more or less, like steps forward. My life does not contain too many instances of this feeling. None of these items were New Year's resolutions. If this is the way the whole new year is going to go then I won't have too much to complain about.