Where have I been anyway?

The short answer is: I'm not sure.

I suspected that my interest in keeping up a blog might be short lived, yet I can't say why the interest failed me at that specific point, late January, or why, now, I am moved to write a post. It's a question to ponder for a while and then toss aside without any answer.

Last night I attended the Williamsburg Spelling Bee for the first time since the previous finals last October. This was the last chance to gain a place in the spring finals in two weeks. Fortunately, I came in third thus ensuring a spot. In addition to winning a free sandwich they were also giving out free passes to the Brooklyn Museum and an invention named the "Asshole" that's currently being sold at retailers like Urban Outfitters. That makes sense as the Asshole fits in perfectly with Urban Outfitters' product assortment tailored to college aged bachelor pad and louche living. Briefly, the Asshole is a flattened funnel shaped to be easily affixed to a beer bottle and meant to turn said bottle into a more convenient ashtray. So the item is not without it's personal utility. The free sandwich I shall make use of tomorrow at the weekly quiz.

But you might ask what else have I been up to over the last three months (nearly)? Various things. Mainly I have been unemployed since NYU saw fit to relieve me of my position while they could still do so without cause. And to be sure, they did not present a cause except to lamely suggest that I was overqualified. I was told I was not a good fit for the position. Many people have tried to comfort me (and at the time I needed plenty of consolation) by telling me that such an event will prove to be "for the best". Yet I cannot see how. Life takes this path or that and we will always be inclined to view those paths in retrospect as better, or right, or somehow built by necessity to ensure a certain outcome. This is all to Panglossian for me. I do not resent the advice (I try not to at least), since I deeply respect the spirit from which the advice is given. And like I said, I relied heavily on the comfort of friends.

The day after I was fired I had my wisdom teeth removed . Even after two months, this appears to me as yet one more piece of evidence that there really is a God. There must be since this kind of cosmic humor is obviously constructed for an audience. The week after the dental procedure I spent time with my family down in Florida which was very much a pleasant distraction and enjoyable.

Besides these activities I decided it was the appropriate moment to regrow my beard and to cut my hair short. I have been complimented a suprising number of times on this new style, though it does not seem to me to be extremely different in effect or of any particular note. I resumed smoking as well, something I can hardly afford economically at the moment. And something I should not afford physically. It doesn't surprise me that in such a moment of emotional stress I sought whatever physical comfort at hand. I resumed drinking more too though not to the frequency I attained at Yale.

On a positive note, my consultation work at Columbia began the week after I returned from Florida. This was fortuitous to the extreme and has provided income to tide me through my unemployment. The flip side is that the Columbia income was planned to fund my tax bills which are sizable (that's an understatement). Needless to say, my personal finances, which had been rationalized recently to the extent I could claim to finally have them under control, have fallen apart. Not so seriously that I have been losing sleep, but it is disheartening to take such a step backward.

But I am no longer unemployed, having secured a two-year position as a processing archivist at an esteemed cultural institution. It is not an ideal position for me, as it carries no broad responsibilities, supervisory or management tasks, or real skill growth. But it is a step forward in income, and that is especially important at the moment. I fear that it will be isolating, and even dull; I will begin to find out next week.

Meanwhile, of course, the seasons have been progressing and the onrush of spring has buoyed my days of tedium and inactivity. There is hope yet in the world, and room for progress, though my cat has been having trouble shitting again.

There is a line that comes to mind at the moment. In Madame Bovary, Flaubert describes the conflicting desires of Emma thusly :"She wanted to die, and she wanted to live in Paris" At least this is how I remember the quote. I suppose the irreconcilibility of the two desires is meant to illustrate Emma's basic foolishness and dependence on whim more than will. I haven't read the book in awhile so I can't be sure.

But there was an instant last Decemeber when I changed my mind slightly about this quote. I was on an el train in Chicago, passing through a rough neighborhood in a dreary winter gloaming. My mood was equally grim and there was an instant when I felt those same two desires pass through me simultaneously. I don't know the right way to understand this. And this question seems more important to answer rightly than why or why not I am posting on this blog.

But in my next post, I will detail my fascinating adventures with the social Security Administration! Stay tuned.

~A