From CNN

Shuttle probed for landing gear cracks

The Space Shuttle Discovery is under investigation for off-color comments it reportedly made about its landing gear and other topics in a recent appearance at the "Boost 'er Spirits" Comedy Cellar in downtown Cape Canaveral Thursday. The nightspot, popular among astronauts, NASA officials, and retired orbital vehicles was packed and the audience reportedly was aghast at the poor taste of Discovery's monologue. A sampling follows:

Thank you, thank you, thank you....gosh it's great to be here. Y'know, I just flew in from space and boy are my arms tired (silence). Gosh tough crowd, tough crowd tonight. I haven't heard this much silence since communications with Columbia went dead.....(silence). I hope I don't crash and burn, give me a hand up here...Maybe you've read in the news that I'm having problems with my "landing gear". Frankly, I'm embarassed to talk about it, it's like erectile dysfunction: Most guys can't get it up....I can't get it down (silence). Maybe I need to try out them O-rings, but I've never been into S&M....Really now. I've been waiting to launch into space for months and it's nothing but delay after delay....I know how to get me into space. NASA, all you need for me to launch into orbit is some grade A cocaine and a prostitute. I'll be flying high for weeks. Think about it. Broads and some blow; I won't even need booster rockets, those are for pussies (audience boos). Speaking of broads, have you seen my crew? Yow! That [Flight Commander] Eileen Collins is one hot dame. So what if she's married, you think she takes her wedding ring on the mission? No sirree. And I tell you, nothing like leaving the planet to make a girl forget about her commitments. Whydya think those flight suits come with such a big zipper? Easy on, easy off, I say. I can crank up the heat on the cabin so everybody gets a little steamy and just see how fast that crew forgets their "mission priorities". They'll be too busy with missionary priorities if you know what I mean; and all sorts of new "experiments", yeah experimental positions. Y'know, I've been told that, in space, no one can hear you moan. And let me tell you, there is nothing quite as sweet as weightlessness to enhance a girl's figure---sheer bliss! And just so you guys don't think the benefits are all one sided, zero-g works better than a Swedish pump. You should try it sometime.

Hey, what's black and white and red all over?....The Challenger!

Thanks again and have a lovely night. Remember, I'll be appearing at Splash Down next week. And all you guys out there, you can catch me at Re(ar) Entry in July. I hope to see you there, just don't sneak up behind me. (dead silence)



~A