A most wonderful front page today

All afternoon it seemed to me that CNN.com had the most wonderful array of headlines. Bad news, frightening news, stupid news, a perfect mix right before my eyes. To try and share it with you, I have copied most of it here in it's entirety. My comments are interspersed and the very speacial headlines are bolded.


An astronaut aboard space shuttle Atlantis tells Mission Control they saw a second piece of debris floating near the spacecraft, NASA officials say.

BREAKING NEWS

Thailand in chaos after coup
Thailand's army commander ousted Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra in a military coup while he was in New York, circling his offices with tanks, declaring martial law and revoking the constitution. A televised announcement from the commander ordered all troops to report to duty.
Tanks roll into Bangkok Thai currency falls
Chronology of events Map Gallery Facts
I-Report: Thai coup attempt Send your emails

[this is what the internet is for; to catch those "holy shit!" moments as they happen. I think Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra might want to book his hotel room for a few more nights. Besides which, they've missed the best headline: 'Coup de Thai!' It'll probably be in the Post tomorrow.]

Mystery object delays shuttle landing Video
Iraq says judge ousted in Hussein trial
Bush: Fighting extremism our 'calling' Video

[note that our calling apparently is only fighting other people's extremism; and this is yet another example of the use of 'code words' that sound like reasonable language but have specific meaning among the extreme religious right]

Tests may give clues in E. coli outbreak Map

[this isn't itself a funny headline, but I never thought I'd see the day when the federal government warned the entire American populace against eating spinach. Frankly, I feel like I'm in the midst of a Popeye cartoon. You know the one , where Bluto uses DDT or something to kill the entire annual crop of spinach and Popeye gets absolutely pummeled, until in a brilliant example of breaking the third wall, the film cuts to a shot of a live action kid sitting in the movie theater audience, a kid who just so happens to have stopped by a grocery store and has a can of spinach in his bag, a kid who is somehow able to toss the spinach through the movie screen and into the waiting hands of Popeye, who then proceeds to save the day. Of course you know it.]

Leaders come to pope's defense Gallery

[a headline yeaterday stated "pope implicated in nun's death," which was infinitely funnier and more macabre. Just so you know, I will never, ever, feel sorry for the Pope...or the Catholic Church by and large.]

Race may be motive in abortion kidnap case Video

[So here's a story of parent's who kidnapped their teenage daughter to take her and force her to have an abortion, mainly because the kid's father was black. And to think there were so many other available coercive options that would've not broken the law.]

SI.com: Arrests made in Duquesne shootings

[essentially, someone shot the entire basketball team. I think it's a first.]

Pete Rose to sign, 'I'm sorry I bet on baseball'

[But he will never, ever, be sorry for making money off being sorry.]

Alistair Cooke's fate raises tissue industry issues

[Old story, still funny.]

Smuggled, gloved apes forced to box

[The above headline absolutely resists making sense of. I've been trying all day.]

Mickey Hargitay, Mariska's dad, dead

[Am I the last person to know that Mariska Hargitay is the daughter of Jayne Mansfield?]

Doped 600-pound cow pulled from bottom of well

[Have cattle legalized marijuana? Since when is the bovine world so far ahead of us?]

Gallery: Unjoined twins go home Video

[Not being joined, they're not sure why they were at the hospital in the first place.]

Gibson daughter weds Kenny Wayne Shepherd

[Because it's never been any secret that Mel likes a good shepherd.]

Senator compares Iran's president to Hitler

[Having known both, he is an apparent authority.]

Prolific molester convicted of abuse

[Was he declared innocent of molestation?]

Ex-DHS aide pleads no contest to online sex rap

[The DHS has, and this is not secret, become an apparent dumping ground for otherwise unemployable government workers. But it's still funny when they lose their trials.]

Why is 'me time' such a big deal?

[Just because.]

Scientists: We must return to the moon

[The moon, it calls to us, it neeeeeeds us.]

College Football Power Rankings

[The phrase power rankings reminds me of D&D, and frankly, there really isn't any difference between gamers and stat freaks.]

Famous athletes who spent time in prison

[Trivia one should never forget.]