The sex life of satellites.....

NASA ponders shuttle protrusion

NASA scientists are concerned that the appearance of a new protuberance might endanger the shuttle and its crew upon reentry, but there is even greater speculation on the exact cause or meaning of this sudden, strange growth. "We're not sure at the moment, but consensus is growing that this might be some type of sexual excitement" said flight engineer Jack "Solid Fuel" Stuart. "Really, the shuttle program has been active for nearly twenty years and in development longer than that, yet there is still so much we don't know about these strange creatures. Malfunctioning redundant fuel gauges, inexplicable shedding of insulation, and the exact method of copulation and reproduction--all these things remain to be answered." Flight director John "Low Orbit" Benson surmised that, typical of very large mammals, shuttles may have extremely long cycles of ovulation and fertility, leading to great gaps of time where no sexual activity can be observed. "It's possible that this is merely the first time the mating ritual has come about in our decades of working with the orbiter. It's also possible that our shuttle fleet is all males and that they have never been around space vehicles of the opposite gender. Or perhaps we just never played the right music."

Further supporting this theory is the strange movements Discovery engaged in on approach to the ISS, or International Space Station. For the first time the shuttle was seen to roll over, twist around, and expose its underbelly to the ISS in an obvious flamboyant display of courtship. Discovery commander Eileen "Damfino" Collins was quoted as saying "there was no doubt that Discovery was making overtures to the ISS, I mean, the sexual tension was palpable. Additionally, both crews of the ISS and the Discovery reported growing tremors in the structural members of both vehicles, excitement was definitely building." Strong feral odors were also noted though these could be ascribed to the relative incidence of showers and bathing among the crews in space.

The Discovery is currently scheduled to remain in space for ten more days though NASA officials are prepared to wait either for the consumation of the relationship or any decrease in tumescence.



~A

Things that are hard to imagine.

Dump Truck Plows Through Intersection, Causing 20-Vehicle Accident and Killing 4
HARTFORD, July 29 - Laden with dirt as it descended a mountain into a prosperous suburb, a dump truck with a history of brake violations barreled into traffic at a busy intersection in Avon, Conn., on Friday morning, crushing cars and setting off a chain of fiery collisions that killed four people and injured 14.

This was one of those big dump trucks. The really good quote is this: "At least partly airborne as it crossed the intersection, according to the police, the truck spilled dirt across the road and onto some cars before landing on its passenger side." I cannot imagine a dump truck even partly airborne. You try it.

What piques my curiosity is it's history of brake problems. Police say that they have been called to the dump truck's house for numerous domestic disputes but no arrests were made in those instances. A search of court files do show that two restraining orders were issued by the dump truck's estranged spouse, 20-year old Caterpillar backhoe. The backhoe could not be reached for comment. Neighbors say that while that marriage was tempestuous the dump truck was generally a very quiet, friendly neighbor. "He was always saying hello and checking in to see how was I doing", Betty, an elderly delivery van said. "He'd kid me about helping me to rotate my tires. You never would have known he had brake problems. He was quiet, real quiet. But nice." Another neighbor, who would only give his name as "Mack" said "[the dump truck] was a truly nice guy...as long as he was sober. But drunk? Whoa! I saw him fill up a few times at Skidmarks [a neighborhood bar]. He'd get a crazy look in his headlights." "Mack" admitted to never hearing of or seeing evidence of brake problems specifically, "but it doesn't surprise me. In this neighborhood everyone seems to have a skeleton in their glove box." Police investigators refuse to comment whether octane is thought to have played a role in this incident. One officer, speaking off the record said "this could have been a straightforward accident, it's too early to tell. Sure his history of problems is leading us to consider other possibilities such as suicide, the fulfillment of some sort of revenge fantasy, or simply gasohol or fuel additive-related misfortune. We'll have to wait for the lab results; at this point we can draw no conclusions."



~A

What was I saying about those Scouts?

Lightning strikes Boy Scout group

FRESNO, California (AP) -- Lightning struck a group of Boy Scouts taking shelter from a storm, killing the troop leader and leaving a 13-year-old boy brain-dead in the latest tragedy to befall the organization this week, authorities and the teen's grandfather said.


~A

A Jamboree to remember!

First there was the sad (though slightly ironic) spectacle of four troup leaders getting electrocuted last week. This was possibly unavoidable by sound planning or proper training, y'know, the kind of thing the Scouts are supposed to be good at. But today's story seems especially unusual because this is precisely the thing Scouts are supposed to know how to avoid. What is all that survivalist training good for anyhow?

Hundreds of Boy Scouts fall ill from heat

And in one of those "cutting off your nose to spite your face" situations:

Former Miami commissioner kills self in newspaper lobby

There must be better ways to get back at a newspaper.

And now for another wholesome example of Americana: tee ball

Witness: Coach offered cash to hit disabled boy

That's all for now.

But before I forget, last night I won another spelling bee. This is one thrown monthly by my friend Josh at Freddy's. Read his blog at http://joshreynolds.blogspot.com/

The winning word was pococurante; the prize? ten dollars. I knew my education would come in handy as an adult.


~A

Let us raise a glass....

Not in celebration but in memoriam.

If all good things must come to an end then so too do all bad things. If time's grit erodes us then pain is scoured away with all else. My marriage ended on July 27th (or was it the 26th?), 2004; one year ago this week. And it was not entirely a bad thing.


Cheers,

~A

I won the spelling bee again.

Yay!!!!

The winning word? Otorhinolaryngology. Yeah, I'm surprised too. Check out their blog here:

spellingblog.blogspot.com


~A

The weekend in review

Alright,

I have just had two beers (Brooklyn Weisse) and two outstanding Bloody Marys (my lips are still tingling)...and three hotdogs. Yes, this was at Daddy's. This is/was a perfect cap to a good Sunday. What made the day so good? To begin with, though perhaps in reverse chronological order, I had some fun shopping at a Target (curtain, kitty litter [100 lbs or so], Swiffer, Raising Arizona, Mountain Dew, et al.) . Fun, despite not splurging on any toys. Go figure. Prior to that I bought a new vacuum at Home Depot (approx. $70 for a new Hoover), I dropped off a wonderful person at Grand Central (M.E., she knows who she is and she is not the author of the notorious diary), and I had gorgeous cheese grits.

How can you beat a day like that? You can't; don't even try. It wouldn't have been half as fun if I hadn't the use of my friend's car. Harlan, I thank you. Although it was only by a hair's breadth that I didn't run out of gas on Queen's Boulevard and only realized at the absolute last minute that I needed to fill up.

And I'm still sweating, but that hasn't dampened my pleasure.

~A

I had a good date last night....

...and that's really all I'm going to say about that.


I am also beginning to reconsider the possible merits of owning an air conditioner.


And yesterday I made it all the way to work before realizing that my fly was unzipped.


~A

ducks read Greek....

Ducks could be Avian flu 'Trojan horse'
This goes hand in hand with my previously stated position that avian flu is the product of a secret fowl cabal. Until now, ducks and geese had to rely on the equivalent of kamikaze pilots, suicide bombers who, in delivering the virus, consigned themselves to certain death. Finally, the chicken scientists have circumvented that limitation.

Colin Farrell tries to stop sex tape
It was so good that once he figures out how to stop the tape he's going to try to figure out how to rewind, playback, and frame by frame advance. Stay tuned for further developments....

Vioxx exec explains ethics, 'Dodge Ball'
I think this is somehow related to a "speedball" but instead of heroin and cocaine you mix any prescription osteoarthritis pain reliever, an octagenarian, and speeding traffic .

That's all for now folks. Let me know if it gets tedious.

~A

weekend

This weekend I spent exactly as I had planned: I read Harry Potter, watched golf on tv, and did not much of anything else.

Sunday night I slept fitfully. This was due in part to an irregular intake of caffeine during the day, partly due to two wonderful naps I took during the day. I had two dreams, both extensive. One was located at a bar, involved lots of attractive women. But it also featured a wedding that was more like a gospel revival. One of the gospel choir was a five hundred pound hairy crossdresser clad in choir robes. Very odd.

The other dream was a zombie dream. Lots of tanks and military weapons, lots of attacking zombies. I wished I remembered more of it, it would be fun to relate in detail.

That was my weekend, now I am just sweating.

Ta

~A

PS. Harry Potter was pretty good.

I read the news today oh boy....

Planting presidential seeds
I have no idea what this article is about, but the headline made me think it is about Clinton, Lewinsky and the red dress. You think?

Lightning strikes family reunion, soldiers
A) This is why families, and their reunions especially, are basically bad, dangerous things.
B) What were soldiers doing there in the first place?

~A

Morning news:

Husband Finds Wife's Body In Freezer
"Police are labeling the woman's death as untimely. " And cold....very cold. Untimely makes it sound as if her death was previously scheduled.

And what they don't say is if this was a walk in freezer; that might make sense. But a freezer chest? Probably foul play. A regular refrigerator freezer where you would have to be dismembered to fit? Suicide.

LI Woman Feared Dead In Himalayas
Although, considering the above report, maybe they should check the freezer.

Death Defying Pit Bull Runs Lose In Ct Town
Why small towns can be fun.

Newsflash

Boy dies playing 'passing out game,' officials believe

The articles states that this is the second such death in recent months. I don't recall such a game from my youth, but then I led an impoverished life. It does put me in mind of a perversion of the children's song. I think this is real, though I only read it in a Life in Hell strip by Matt Groening:

(To the tune of Alouette...)

Suffocation takes coordination;
Suffocation-a game we all can play.
First you take a plastic bag,
Then you stick it on your head.
Go to bed.
Wake up dead.
ooo-oh.
Suffocation-a game we all can play

In other news:

War wounded cross country on bike

Really, haven't our veterans been through enough?


~A

around the news...

Dennis now a tropical depression

I think Dennis should try Xanax. Of course, since he finally hit the Pensacola coast and is now dissolving over the Ohio river valley, maybe his problems have been solved. Hurricanes hitting the coast may actually be a kind of intentional suicide. If we could only intervene with these storms earlier when they first show up on our radar we might be able to stop them before they go on their homicidal rampages. Really, folks, it's a failure of society....and climatology.

Weird stuff

I'm just reposting this from AICN but few links really grab my attention. Try these:

From Russia with Love

And don't forget to click and drag...

And this is just another step forward in the degradation of old movies. As long as we never get confused as to which is which it will be okay....

Gene Kelly Strutting New Stuff

~A

What did I say about sowing the wind?

Activists: Wind farms threaten birds

I think wind seed makes their stomachs explode...

~A

Interesting weekend....

Saw War of the Worlds Friday night; really a damn fine movie whatever failings keep it from being great. Maybe I'll see it again tomorrow. I treasure any serious alien invasion movie that comes along. I must find something cathartic in them.

Yesterday I woke up and watched tennis, called my Mom. Later, I had drinks with my wife, the first time I sat down and talked to her in six months really. We both said a couple of good things; it was good, and sad. I drank one too many beers but luckily didn't exhibit any negative effects (I think) until after she left. Then I went home and slept it off. Watched the sun rise around five.

Today I had brunch by myself at Enid's. Drank two bloody marys, read a book on the Revolutionary War, only realized as I finished it how apt the timing was. Signed divorce papers yesterday, intermediate only, will now have to wait a few months to finalize. Ate a good slice of sweet potato pie.

Fine weather we've been having this weekend. A fine summer.

~A